The definition of COURAGE is something we all know and understand. And while I am in no way in any danger, I DO have a lot of fears. In fact, I really struggle with it if I don’t combat it with scripture constantly. Fear and failure are two of the things in life that I struggle with.
So combine it with homeschooling?
I am 100% afraid of failing. I’m afraid of failing my kids during school. I’m afraid of failing to give them enough social exposure. I’m afraid of being alone and isolated in this. I’M AFRAID OF BEING ALONE AND ISOLATED IN THIS. We are doing co-ops, yes. And I need to give them more of a chance before I really know where I fit but the honest truth so far? I don’t feel like I fit in. Could this be Satan? Or is it true? Probably a little bit of both.
Because I have to work full time, and because of the type of work that I do, it just makes life look different for us. EVEN in the homeschooling world. Homeschooling is still a better option for our lifestyle than all day school, but I’m figuring out that it’s also not the perfect option that I thought it would be. Does the learning aspect of it work? YES. Do our kids love it? TOTALLY. But the fact of the matter is, because of my job, this STILL has to look different for us than most families.
And coming to terms with that, has set me free AND caused some fear and anxiety too.
Because then, where do we fit? I don’t know.
And the good news that I’m trying to convince myself of? It don’t NEED to know right now. God does. He knows. And he’s either going to somehow give me enough hours in the day to get this all done, OR he will present another option to us that will work for our lifestyle. I’m currently researching ALL options. Tutors, curriculum, half day schools, other co-ops ETC.
In the meantime, I’m reminding myself to have courage. God will find a way if I trust him. It all seems overwhelming and kinda of scary to me. Full time school means changing my career drastically, which would be ok because I trust The Lord, but it’s still uncertain and unnerving. Not that we are considering full time school, but my brain is weighing all the options ALL OVER AGAIN.
I love the end of the definition though. To face danger, fear or pain with SELF-POSSESSION, CONFIDENCE, and BRAVERY. So in this area of school, work and our lives, I will try. I will move forward without fear of the future and while I can’t see any clear answers, I know that they are there. I will have courage to stay right where we are, do what we are doing with confidence and wait for God to clearly direct our next steps.
I’m praying the same for you, dear mom, if you are in the same/similar boat. May your home be filled with courage, not fear. With confidence, not self doubt. With bravery, and not anxiety. Sometimes having courage inside our own homes is the hardest place to have it. But our kids need that from us. They need to see their mamas being brave, prayerfully seeking the Lord through it all, and obeying him. As hard as it may be, I pray that for your home too.